Uhmm.. I'm In Love

Okay, so i guess i don't have to tell you thats its been a long time since i wrote even though one of my new years resolutions was to write more.. damn it. Well its December of 2012 and yet it still feels like spring and this makes me wonder if the world really is going to end in 19 days.. i mean honestly i could care less because for the first time in my life i'm actually happy. Now i know this doesn't make sense "you're finally happy, yet you don't care if you see tomorrow?" What i mean is that i feel like i can die happy as to the days where i feared leaving this world without accomplishing anything or something important. Ive fallen in love and as careful as i have been with my heart my whole life i have chosen to place it in the hands of some one else.. its a scary thought really, and so i don't ponder on it a lot, but i have just decided that this is the only life we are given and whats an experience without a few chances taken? So far so good, i mean she really is the most amazing woman i have ever met and she's funny!!.. i mean i catch her in these funny moments most of the time when she's not trying to be funny.. i think she thinks I'm weird because i just bust out in hysterics when she makes a joke or if she's just being dumb. there is a lot more to her and i but i prefer to keep it to myself just because all the little things are the most special in a relationship.. I've learned so many thing's, but i think the most important one is this; Life is measured not by what we accomplish here on earth but by acts of love.. i read something like this somewhere before but i just now remembered that after i wrote it so fuck it.. its the truth regardless. The long haired brits were right.. Love is.. all you need.

From This Moment On

Recently i have been looking back on my life reflecting on the short nineteen years I've been here, reminiscing on the memories I've made and the friends I've lost and the 5 million dreams I have collected and somewhat pursued over the years, i know i speak as if i'm 50 years old but really if you think back you notice even at such a young age you wish so many things for yourself,  i think especially since Audrey was born I've been scrambling trying to decide what i'm going to be, how im going to do it etc. I've probably switched my career track a good half dozen times. I think that's one of the benefits of having a child so young (and yes i say benefits, I'm not encouraging it but when you go through something everyone has shunned as negative you learn to find the benefits in it.) Last year i started my studies in child psychology and even though (this time) i was set that this was the career i wanted to live out it wasn't till recently i asked myself.. why? see before i started i was all set on being a nurse, but then something clicked in me kinda like an epiphany one day, and i remember asking myself  "what are the benefits of being a nurse?" I mean yeah you save lives and you get to look cool playing with other peoples blood and what not, but i wanted to dig deeper and find something that not only i would thoroughly enjoy but something that gave me the satisfaction of knowing i was changing lives, Now i know your thinking.. wow that's a bit much i mean "Changing peoples lives?" but i was always taught even at a young age that we were put on earth to make a difference. So back to child psychology, To help you understand first let me tell you a little bit about my childhood. I was often a loner the super skinny awkward kid who wasn't very good at anything. At a young age i showed an interest in music, my fondest memory of my budding love for the art was my mama buying me the Britney Spears album and me sitting underneath the computer desk singing my lungs out until every track had been repeated at least twice, i remember even at the age of six feeling the emotion in music and though not knowing exactly what they were talking about i would still get a sense of what the words meant and being able to convey the emotion & vulnerability  in songs like "From the bottom of my broken heart" passionately as though i have had my first broken heart already. Music became my escape, my best friend and at times my only friend, when i was about 11 my grandparents fought for the custodial rights to me and my sisters, i took this much harder than my siblings, although i often agreed that my parents at times weren't the most fit i still loved them and only wanted to see them happy, i remember my grandparents slandering my parents in front of us kids and how angry it would make me, that is why to this day i will not say ONE negative thing about Audrey's mother. I seen my parents struggle for nearly two years trying to get things together to get us back, that two years was the loneliest time in my life, again all i had was music. No one took the time to explain to me what was going on, why it was better to live with mamaw and papaw or even how things would play out, I was never assured that this was for MY better or that it was happening only out of pure love, it was almost as if it were a fight out of vindictiveness. At this time i learned to depend on no one, that if i was ever going to make this life a legacy of my own i would have to stand on my own. I remember i had one aunt in particular that to this day is one of my strongest shoulders and one of the few i confide in she would always go out of her way to make me feel okay or put my heart at ease, I recall her always asking me to sing for her as she would ask me to do again and again making me feel like i really did have a talent not that i believed i didn't it was just that my family was like the damn partridge family and a young boy having the range of a grown mature singer just wasn't very rare in my relative circle. She reached out to me during the custody battle telling me something i remember to this day "Even though we hurt while we go through things, its just another thing God gives us to preach with, Just think when your older you can help kids who are going through this" Now at the time obviously this didn't strike me, But last year while i was reading i saw a quote from Albert Einstein that said "I do in fact believe that it is a good thing to show those who are striving alongside us how our own striving and searching appears to us in retrospect" After this i knew i wanted to do this. Not because it was cool, Or because it paid well but because it was my chance to give back, to help children who are going through stuff ive been through to not feel alone like i did or feel as if no one has been through this or that. I truly believe this is my calling and that from this moment on God will lead me to those who need him the most. I hope this inspires you to also dig deep and find your passion in what God wants for you. I wanna leave you with one of my favorite quotes that i carry with me on a piece of paper as a reminder to learn and evolve everyday into what God has planned for me to become "Through trials you mold me, i'm forever a work of art in progress. Though i don't always seem to see it, it does manifest."